So I was attending a meeting for the upcoming Vagina Monologues show that is being put on by the students of UCF. I was there because I volunteered to be part of the tech crew, it looks good on your resume. This meeting was to really dive into what the Vagina Monologues was all about and as the director put it, “to find your inner vagina.” Its safe to say I didn’t literally find my inner vagina, thank God, but I did find out whats behind most women “inner vagina.”
The room was full of mostly women, it is a play for the Vagina Monologues so I expected that. There were three guys in the room, or should I say two because the director was gay and was like one of the girls, and I mean that in a respectful way. He eluded to finding his inner vagina while taking on the role of director for this student project. He pointed out how he started to understand the feminists side of things and how it even applied to men, which inside I was elated to hear. The two other guys were myself and some dude who was just as unsure about being there as me; I could tell from his facial expressions as we continued to make eye contact as if to say “what the eff.” The first project of the evening was to talk about what of your body do you dislike the most and why. Sticking to the theme of the Vagina Monologues each person one by one revealed their deep dark secret about some part of them they felt insecure about and why or what caused that insecurity to show through. I said to myself, “crap” and the other guy followed across the room with a gesture of putting his hand over his eyes. I felt better about myself knowing I wasn’t going to be the only one suffering here.
So the ladies start one by one (because us dudes weren’t about to volunteer to be first, or maybe it was because we were just chicken shit?) anyways, the ladies start to reveal parts of them they didn’t really like. Now I wasn’t ready for what I was about to hear, and it took me by surprise. Most women walk around so confidently and, at least for me, that’s why I am petrified to approach a beautiful girl (besides being socially awkward). So I’m listening to all these beautiful girls talk about their thighs, or butt, or how much hair they have, or messed up teeth, and I’m thinking to myself, “I don’t see any of this!” Then they start relating their insecurities to sex, and I had an aha moment. One girl even said that when she was in middle school that a guy turned around and told her “nobody is ever gonna wanna fuck you.” Another girl revealed that while she was having sex with her then boyfriend, he slapped her on the ass and said “I’m going to pretend this is bigger.” All of these girls had stories of flaws, or what they considered to be flaws, that occurred trying to be up to societies standard of what is “sexy.” All there “flaws” had something to do with sex. Most of the girls there, while telling their story, used the word “fuck” or “sex” but never the word “love.”
So it came to be my turn and I revealed something about my face and my receding hairline, and how when I was 17 some little kid in a grocery cart said to mommy “why does that man have bumps all over his face?” I also revealed that back in high school most people thought I was gay and called me “spice boy” because I liked N’SYNC. It was hard, but I wanted to be fair since all these girls had the courage to reveal such well… revealing things. Then I felt the need to say something profound, since I never thought I would have this type of opportunity again. I told them that I noticed that they all let society and sex determine what is appealing (not in those exact words). I looked at one particular girl I told her she was beautiful. She blushed and without even realizing it, said “oh thank you, I don’t even have any makeup on.” I didn’t point out that the very comment she just made is what I was talking about, I didn’t want to be rash. I then told the group of women that you shouldn’t worry about what you look so much on the outside, because in turn you subconsciously do the same in turn when you choose what guys to talk to. I told them its whats in the inside that really counts. They began to say “awe” and “okay, when can we get married” and “you’re perfect.” I didn’t let that fill my head up as I then said, “you may say I’m perfect but I don’t get approached by women at all, because of looks, and if you do this you will never know whats on the inside” (again not in those exact words). Then they all told me I was cute and that when I walked in the door (because I was late) that I seemed like a nice guy.
We did some dancing to go along with revealing our insecurities and then showcased our “flaws” in our dancing to metaphorically “wash them away.” There are a lot of quotation marks here. Okay, so after it was all over I waited around and helped to clean up, just to show I’m a team player and to secretly see if any of the girls who said such nice things about me would approach me and start a conversation. I was especially hoping the girl who I told was beautiful would. But nonetheless nobody did.
I was disappointed that nobody took anything away from what I said, or maybe they did but just need some time to process it. I will be working with these girls for a few days next week so only time will tell. In closing I just hope, or better yet wish, that girls would focus on love and not so much sex. Sex will always be there, love wont. Love and for me, God, are my foundations I’m using to find my next TRUE love, and when you have that solid foundation, insecurities like these don’t surface. At least that’s what I believe. To all those women that might read this, don’t take away anything harsh, I say this all with love and kindness in my heart.
Don’t forget to check out the Vagina Monologues UCF student production happening Saturday March 22nd at 7pm in the Pegasus Ballroom. Hope to see you there.
