A Long Weekend In Miami With My Ex-Boyfriend

This weekend I was in my home town Miami. I went down for my two close friend’s birthdays. I had heard about a recent phone call from my ex, he called my friend and told him “If any guy is trying to get with Noslen I am going to lose it” so I got nervous, really nervous. I couldn’t help think of what would happen when I saw him. I hadn’t spoken to him in 3 weeks, that is the longest I had ever gone without speaking to him and as I was approaching the door that I knew he was going to be on the other side of I couldn’t help to feel butterflies and excitement. I had missed being around him so much, that was basically the whole reason why we broke up.

He said my name and I couldn’t help but smile so big and jump in to give him a hug and everything felt just like before. Then after the night kept going I realized, this is not the same as before at all. We sat far from each other at the dinner. When we went to the club afterwards and we avoided each other, he was on one side and I would go to the other and vice versa until I realized I couldn’t deal with that anymore. I didn’t know what I liked worse, not being around him at all or being around him and having to treat each other like we weren’t the most important thing in each other’s life just one month ago. He looked so good, feeling his touch again felt nice, hearing his voice was refreshing but I couldn’t make eye contact for too long. His eyes were holding back so much pain. A part of me wanted to tell him to forget what happened and dance with me like we did before and hold me like he did before but another part of me knew it wasn’t the right thing to do.

He told me things I didn’t want to hear and really wanted to hear at the same time, things that made me feel guilty about my choice. He was heart broken and all I could think of is “What’s wrong with me?” I left this guy that loves me to pieces…but I had to. I needed my space, I need to be alone for a little and figure things out. The distance had gotten so hard to deal with and I just didn’t want us to turn into a couple that no longer liked to be around each other. I wanted to love him unconditionally until the very end, and I still do. I love him, he will always have a part of me and I can’t change that even if I tried. I feel so confused, I wish I was back home and then I wish he could just move here all at the same time. And then, I’m not even sure if that’s really what I want. The only thing I could do is hope that time gives me the wisdom I need so that the future becomes clearer to me.

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